Parental separation can lead to an increase in parental conflict and anger, although for some families the level of conflict reduces when parents do not see each other regularly.
The level of conflict between parents usually reduces significantly in the first two to three years after separation.[1]
The type of post-separation conflict that has been found to have the most damaging effect on children’s development, mental health, and well-being occurs when parents use children to direct their anger and hostility. Children who are placed in the middle of their parents’ conflicts are more likely to be angry, stressed, depressed or anxious, and have worse relationships with their parents.[2]
Examples of post-separation, high-conflict behaviours that have been shown to cause harm to children’s well-being include:
· asking children to carry hostile messages to the other parent;
· asking children intrusive questions about the other parent;
· demeaning or putting down the other parent in the presence of the child/ren;
· asking the child/ren to hide information from the other parent; and
· making the child/ren feel they need to hide positive feelings for the other parent.
Giallo’s 2022 study on the impact of exposure to parental conflict on children reinforced that high parental conflict at any point of a child’s life is a form of adversity that can have adverse consequences for their mental health, and that early interventions for parents and caregivers experiencing high parental conflict are critical to reducing the harmful effects on children.[3]
Reducing or eliminating parental conflict has been demonstrated scientifically to positively impact children, their social relationships, and their physical and neurological development.
The research is clear, children who are exposed to parental (and extended family) conflict, have a higher chance of behavioural, social and mental health issues compared to children who are protected from exposure to conflict.[4]
TED EX talk on how conflict affects children: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKcNyfXbQzQ “the Effect of divorce and conflict on children TED ex talk” – how to avoid harm.
TIP: if your ex-partner says something that upsets or angers you, take at least an hour to think about what has been said and to calm down before responding. Brain research shows it takes around 20-30 minutes to calm down if you’re upset, it is important that you “respond” rather than “react”, which has a higher chance of reducing ongoing conflict. You may also consider discussing the issue with a neutral person prior to responding.
[1] Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia website/Brochure: https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/pubs/conflict-effects-children.
[2] Ibid.
[3] Giallo, R., Seymour, M., Fogarty, A. et al. Trajectories of interparental conflict and children’s emotional–behavioural functioning at 10–11 years: an Australian population-based study. Eur Child Adolesc Psychiatry 31, 625–635 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-020-01700-7.
[4] Brock R, Kochanska G (2016) Interparental conflict, children’s security with parents, and long-term risk of internalizing problems: a longitudinal study from ages 2 to 10. Dev Psychopathol 28:45–54.
Davies PT, Hentges RF, Coe JL, Martin MJ, Sturge-Apple ML, Cummings EM (2016) The multiple faces of interparental conflict: implications for cascades of children’s insecurity and externalizing problems. J Abnorm Psychol 125:664–678.
Rhoades K (2008) Children’s responses to interparental conflict: a meta-analysis of their associations with child adjustment. Child Dev 79:1942–1956, Shelton K, Harold G (2008) Interparental conflict, negative parenting, and children’s adjustment: Bridging links between parents’ depression and children’s psychological distress. J Fam Psychol 22(5):712–724
Comments